


Your Cigarette

by viewpoint



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Cigarettes, Confessions, Eventual Smut, Friends to Enemies, Hate Sex, Heavy Angst, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Love/Hate, M/M, Mild Smut, Minor Character Death, One Shot, Short One Shot, Swearing, Unrequited Love, kind of, maybe not that heavy idk, not really - Freeform, not very graphic though, that's complicated lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:01:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24660484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/viewpoint/pseuds/viewpoint
Summary: Seungmin smokes way too much.Hyunjin tastes just like his cigarettes.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin & Kim Seungmin, Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin
Comments: 12
Kudos: 59





	Your Cigarette

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't sleep so I started writing this at 3am
> 
> inspired by the song cigarette by offonoff!

**January**

In his mind, Hyunjin had always felt like snow. Because Hyunjin was pure and the sun was making him glowing. And because Seungmin was scared to touch him, so he wouldn’t melt away. Because on his fingers, Hyunjin felt cold.

He had known him since middle school, and he loved him since then. Hyunjin made him skip classes for the first time in his life, and he bought him his first beer. He was the cause of him being grounded for the first time, and he was the cause of him sneaking out anyway. He was making his heart feel warm, and he was making his chest ache. Because Hyunjin felt easy to lose and easy to fade away.

Hyunjin was the only one that would visit his house and the only one who would stay for the night. He was there to study with him, and he was there to drink his grandma’s cheap wine when everybody was asleep. He was holding his hand when he was stressed, and he was sneaking out with him at night to stargaze and smoke cigarettes. He was keeping his arm on his shoulder while telling him stories, and he was poking his cheeks when he just felt like it.

He was there for him every day of middle school, he was there each day of high school. He was holding his heart as tightly as he would hold his hand. He was his best friend. And now, Seungmin hadn’t seen him in five years.

Januaries were making Seungmin sad, and seeing snow was hurting him as well. Most people hated mornings, but Seungmin couldn’t stand evenings. Because on a January snowy evening, just like this one, Seungmin confessed his feelings, and on a January snowy evening, he saw Hyunjin for the last time before his tears hid from him his face frowning in disgust.

**February**

Seungmin was going with his life in expectation to never see him again. In fact, he was okay with seeing him just in his mind and keeping the image of him only in his broken heart. 

Five years had passed, but he loved him just the same. He never wanted to stop, because this feeling was all he had. It was the last thing that was keeping him alive, and the only thing that he wanted to cherish. But at the same time, he never wanted to have Hyunjin around again. He loved a ghost, he cherished ashes. 

This month had him more nervous, though. His plan got crushed, and his hands were shaking again. Because this month his grandma’s health got worse, and he had to come back to his hometown again. 

She opened the door, her face was always warm, but at this time, it also looked sad. 

"Seungmin," she simply said and hugged him tightly. She was the only family he had, but during the last five years, he couldn’t even force himself to visit her. He could barely make himself call, afraid he would hear his name, afraid it would hurt again. It hurt when he first heard about his girlfriend, and it hurt even more when they got married. At least, Hyunjin seemed to be happy. He couldn’t wish for more. 

It would feel like there was so much to say between him and his grandma, but at the same time, there wasn’t. Talking to Seungmin was never very entertaining anyway, it never felt like he actually cared. Not even an hour passed when he finally heard what he wanted to hear, but at the same time, he didn’t want it at all.

"He got a good job, you know," she started carefully. "He started teaching in the same dance school he used to attend."

Seungmin simply nodded, staring blankly at some point behind his cup of tea, which already got cold some time ago.

**March**

The most real the imagination of his face was when he was fucking someone else. When he was getting drunk, and when he was ending up in the bed of some stranger, it felt almost as if he was there. 

Those were the moments when the pain actually felt the closest to him, the most real. Because even if he didn’t want him to, he kept appearing in other people’s faces. He was his only want and the only thing he actually wanted to stay away. 

He could never actually feel any touch on his skin, he could never feel any pleasure to be there. He kept fucking around to feel less empty, but all it was bringing him, was the opposite. The reason for the tears appearing on his face when he was cumming, was always mistaken for something else.

**April**

On a chilly April morning, he met him again. 

He just took his grandma to the doctor again, and while she was still there, he got out of the building to have a smoke. He was standing next to the trash bin, keeping his head low while lighting up his cigarette. He took a long drag carelessly, and when he looked up again, he was standing there. 

It looked like he got out of the car which had just parked there, he was staring at him, while a small girl, no older than three, kept nudging his hand. From the same car, his mother got out, and seeing his son shifting his attention to something else, she took the girl by her hand and led her to the building herself. 

When the two of them were left there alone, Hyunjin finally approached him. 

Seungmin thought that if he was to ever meet him again, he would break on the spot. He expected it to hurt so much, but in reality, he felt nothing. 

Hyunjin‘s face was as pretty as he remembered it. He didn’t change that much, besides now his hair wasn’t black, it was bleached partly, and got longer as well. Seungmin was sure it was still as soft, he wondered if it still smelled the same. 

"Yours?" Seungmin didn’t expect himself to speak up first, but he actually did. He pointed with his head at the direction where the girl had disappeared.

Hyunjin nodded slowly.

"Can I have a cigarette?" He asked. 

Seungmin put his own in his mouth to reach to his pocket searching for the pack. He took it out and handed it to Hyunjin, giving him the lighter right after.

"What makes you smoke?" He asked. He remembered Hyunjin quitting in the middle of high school, very soon after they actually started smoking. 

The expression on his face seemed bitter, but Seungmin wasn’t sure how much he cared. 

"Me and Jiyeon…" He started hesitantly. "We aren’t doing that well." He made a pause before adding the last part, not sure if he actually wanted to share it. "We’re in separation."

Seungmin nodded, not looking at him.

"Seungmin, I-" He started, but he got interrupted by the sound of the door being opened. Seungmin saw his grandma and threw the rest of his cigarette on the ground, rushing to help her go down the stairs.

With his grandma holding his forearm, he passed by him without giving him a single glance. Without even saying bye. 

**May**

For almost a month he was at peace. There was just emptiness in his head, as he tried not to think about bad things too much. 

At better days he was remembering coming to Hyunjin’s dance practice with him. He was never a fan of dancing but watching Hyunjin dance was bringing him a different type of happiness. Watching his body move smoothly, watching the smile appearing on his face when it was going well. Seungmin appreciated every moment of it.

At worse days he felt like he couldn’t remember anything at all.

Living in a small town was never his favourite part of his life. He was trying to run away from it as much as he was running away from Hyunjin, but those two things were somehow connected, and both liked to haunt him. 

He met him again when he was doing groceries for his grandma, and he thought that if he didn’t notice him, it would keep him away. He thought that he managed to stay hidden between the shelves, but when he was leaving the shop with a bag in his hand, he felt someone grabbing his forearm.

"What do you want?" He asked, not having to check who it was. 

"Just for you to talk to me," he answered. He sounded somehow desperate, and Seungmin wondered where it came from. He took his hand away from him, though. He loved him. But he did not need him to make even more damage in his head. 

**June**

It was June when he finally agreed. He questioned the way he got his new phone number since he got a new one soon after the January evening happened. He didn’t have to text him the place of the meeting, for him to know where to wait for him.

Seungmin was sitting motionless at one of the swings at the playground he and Hyunjin used to spend their time at. He was already smoking waiting for him, as he did at most of his time.

When he came, he sat on a swing right next to Seungmin’s, without saying anything. Some time had passed in silence. 

"You were wrong," Seungmin broke the silence surprising himself again.

"Huh?" 

"You were wrong," he repeated. "The guy from that building ahead didn’t kill his mother with that shovel of his, he’s a _gardener_ , and his mother is in a sanatorium or some shit." He said remembering the story Hyunjin used to believe in the middle school.

"I was wrong about a lot of things," he said, ignoring the oddity of Seungmin’s remark. "I was wrong thinking that I didn’t like you back." He added quietly after a while.

Only then Seungmin looked at his face, he looked him in the eyes.

Then he snorted bitterly.

Like. That was not the word that Seungmin used, he could remember precisely. He knew it wasn’t the one, because it wasn’t the truth. That wasn’t what Seungmin was feeling at that time, and it wasn’t what he felt now. 

He threw the cigarette butt on the ground and took out another one from the pack. Hyunjin waited patiently for him to light it up before he spoke again.

"You do smoke a lot." He said. 

Seungmin just shrugged. 

Silence accompanied them again. They stayed like this for some time, Hyunjin staring into the distance thinking about something, Seungmin looking at everything that wasn't Hyunjin.

"I could be that for you," Hyunjin finally said.

"What?" Seungmin asked.

"Your cigarette." 

Seungmin looked at him again. He kept just staring for some time, analysing his face. After that, he threw his unfinished cigarette on the ground and stood up to face Hyunjin properly. Hyunjin didn’t stand up from the swing when Seungmin grabbed his hair and kissed him greedily. He wanted him to feel the smoke. He wanted him to taste the ashes, to be left with that feeling on his tongue. Because this was how he was making him feel.

He cut the kiss in the middle when Hyunjin wanted to keep kissing him back. 

Seungmin thought that he was, in fact, his cigarette. He was slowly killing him. 

**July**

In July, Seungmin’s grandma passed away. 

**August**

Lately, the time that was passing felt just like a blur. Everything was blurry, everything was vague. His vision was as blurry after finishing another drink, he couldn’t even count which one. 

The taste of it was still sweet on his tongue. He was craving something more, even though he knew at this point more of alcohol, would probably just make him throw up. He wasn’t going to clubs or bars that often lately, and he thought that fate was playing games with him.

If he looked to the right, he knew who he’d see there. 

At first it was bothering him, seeing him sipping on his beer there, looking like he was about to feel it up again with his own tears. At first, he minded it, but the drunker he was, and the drunker Hyunjin was, his desire to leave was vanishing. 

Eventually, he got up, and he approached him quietly. He grabbed his wrist at led him to the dance floor.

The song that was played wasn’t suited for that, but their dance was slow. Seungmin hid his face in the crook of his neck, it fitted just perfectly with their height difference. Hyunjin was kind of tense at first, kind of lost, awkward. He didn’t know what to do, but eventually, he relaxed, and he moved even closer to Seungmin. Their bodies were almost glued to each other, he was feeling his heat on himself. He started kissing his neck slowly at first, then more greedily, biting his ear slightly. 

Eventually, he found himself with him in a bathroom stall.

Both of their breaths were heavy when they kept kissing hastily as if they had just a few seconds to get enough of each other. Seungmin could feel him everywhere, on his lips, sucking on his neck and touching him needily. 

He was close to moaning when he lifted his hips and held him next to the wall. He felt him unzipping his jeans and trying to take them down, while not stopping to kiss his lips. For some time, it felt so right until suddenly it didn’t.

He broke free of his grip abruptly and got on the ground again. He pushed him away so hard that he hit the door of the stall with his back, even though he knew all that wasn’t needed. 

Hyunjin kept looking at him with frightened, quizzical eyes when he zipped up his jeans again and left not giving him a single word of explanation. 

  
  


**September**

September was the first time when he came to his house. 

Seungmin was reluctant to let him inside at first, but seeing the state he was in broke his heart. He was already crying at the door, so Seungmin had no other choice than to move aside to let him in. 

He did not expect to hear this kind of story that he did, but at this point, he didn’t feel the disappointment anymore.

Hyunjin kept talking about the family he made with Jiyeon, and about how it got ruined, and Seungmin just listened.

He was talking about how it wasn’t working for months, or maybe even years now, but she just stayed with him so their daughter wouldn’t grow up in a broken family. He told him how she was the love of his life, how much he wanted her to stay, and as much as it hurt, Seungmin listened. 

He kept crying, and Seungmin kept caressing his back, genuinely wanting him to feel better. Seeing him like this was breaking his heart too. He wanted his big, pretty eyes to be filled with joy again, he wanted to see his beautiful smile. If he knew any way to help, he would use it right away, but for now, he couldn’t do anything more than to just be there. 

September was the month when he met him the largest amount of times. At some point, he started expecting to see him at the door crying. He was trying to make himself mentally ready for the attempts of making him feel better, of trying to make him calm. He was patting his back or letting him cry on his shoulder, but the latter was often turning into him giving him neck kisses, and touching him lightly, and Seungmin was letting him.

Whatever mess was going inside of his head, Seungmin was letting him throw it out there, so he could eventually come back to his wife and try to rebuild the house of cards which their relationship was again. 

Hyunjin was always there when he needed Seungmin’s help, and when he didn’t, he wasn’t.

**October**

In October he met him only once. 

He passed them when they were strolling down the pavement, the whole family, looking all smiley and happy. Jiyeon was holding Hyunjin’s hand while he had their daughter on the other one.

His eyes met Seungmin’s for a few seconds, but he pretended they didn’t.

**November**

He spent November alone. 

He slowly started preparing to move out once again. There was nothing left for him there.

**December**

It was in the middle of the month when he finally saw Hyunjin again. 

He was standing at his door looking less desperate, but more tired than the last time. Seungmin as always just let him in without saying a word and came back to the couch to lit up his cigarette there. Since his grandma wasn’t there anymore, he started smoking at the house. It made everything smell like shit, but he didn’t care that much. 

Hyunjin joined him on the couch, and for some time, they were going through the usual. Maybe he wasn’t crying at that time, but apparently, his life was going to hell again, and again he needed Seungmin to hear him out. 

Seungmin’s life wasn’t the greatest as well. He was just smoking more and coughing more, he was feeling the need to get wasted more often too. He had no one to talk to, not that he ever tried to talk to anyone, but he was getting even more closed up than he already was. He felt like shit, and all that he was smoking up daily, was making him sick. He wasn’t going to last long like that for sure. He didn’t say that though, no one asked about that.

He felt he was dozing off for some time until it got interrupted when he felt Hyunjin taking his cigarette out of his mouth. 

He looked at him with his mouth opened slightly. Hyunjin didn’t break the eye contact when he took a long drag and right after leaned in, lifted Seungmin’s chin up and put his lips on Seungmin’s, filling his mouth with the smoke. Seungmin took a breath and felt it in his lungs, just like that it felt as if they were in high school again. 

He looked at the boy he loved, he looked at him in the same way he did then, remembering only the goods moments for a while. He could never restrain from staring at his plump lips that reminded him of cherries, he could never stop wondering if they tasted like ones. And even though his eyes were dark, they reminded him of the sea. Not by the look, but the feeling they were giving him. His eyes felt like a soft breeze on a sunny day on the beach. Hyunjin he used to know reminded him of a summer day. Hyunjin he knew now was nothing else than a winter evening.

Seungmin loved them both.

He didn’t know who initiated the kiss when their mouths crashed, probably they both wanted it at the same time. Kissing him should feel familiar now, but not by any means it was. Kissing Hyunjin was always so new to him, so distant and out of reach even if he was right there. Kissing him always felt different and always was somehow brief. Kissing him felt like ash and smoke even when they weren’t smoking.

Hyunjin grabbed his hips and pulled him closer, eventually putting him on his lap. He could feel his hands wandering on his back under his shirt, while his own hands landed on his chest.

His kisses weren’t soft, they were eager and fast, Seungmin kept biting his lips without caring for the pain the other could feel. At some point, he bit too hard and felt Hyunjin moaning into his mouth right before he tasted his blood. 

Hyunjin flipped his on his back, not even bothering to take any of their shirts off. He knew he didn’t care about such details too much, he wasn’t there to make love to him, he was there to fuck, and that was it. 

He took off his jeans along with his boxers and came back to leaving marks all over Seungmin’s body, while he lowered his own pants. When he was inside of him, Seungmin felt pain, but it was exactly what he needed. 

He had his mouth right next to his ear, and he knew Hyunjin could hear the sounds he was making as perfectly as he heard Hyunjin’s. But not even once he looked him in the eyes, not even once he touched him with care. Seungmin didn’t mind. 

When he felt Hyunjin getting close, he didn’t dare to touch himself. He just started to bite his neck more intensely, he wanted to at least leave his mark there. His closeness never felt satisfying anyway. 

When he was finished, he stopped kissing him as well. 

Seungmin didn’t mind it that much as well. He never even needed his mouth on his own. He might have fantasized about it sometimes, maybe even often, but it wasn’t what he actually wanted. What he needed was his love, but since he couldn’t give him that, everything else was just a meaningless addition. 

Hyunjin was just like his cigarettes. Addictive, but burning out way too quickly. Just like cigarettes, he was making him sick, but he could never get sick of him. Just like cigarettes, he was taking his breath away, and he was slowly draining Seungmin out.

It was a snowy evening of December when he saw him for the last time. 

He could perfectly remember his sheepish expression when he was leaving, but this time Seungmin didn’t cry. 

Loving Hyunjin was as natural as breathing. As painful as breathing the smoke out. 

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know why I wrote this omg
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it (in some sort of way???) 
> 
> and if not you can read my other seungjin, I promise to give them a nice happy ending there ㅠㅠ


End file.
